Grandma Bessie the Patchwork Queen

So it's been an emotional week this week, probably just because I'm hormonal, but tears are running like the faucet it seems. It's always the little things. This post alone took me a week to finish. I just couldn't without tears.

Last week my hubby wanted me to try patching his favorite jeans for him. Let it be known, I am not a seamstress. I don't sew. I rarely mend. I'm good at fixing buttons. That's about it. My mom, bless her heart, spent a whole year of girls scouts teaching us to sew. Basically, I know how. I at least know the girl scout basics. I once bought a sewing machine. It was out of the box, and I did attempt to use it to sew patches onto football jerseys for my husbands team. I lasted about 5 minutes before I boxed that baby back up, returned it to Walmart, and headed for moms... That was the extent of my sewing career.

So he asked me to patch a pair of jeans. I said yes because I know how it feels to lose your favorite jeans, but Lord help me... So I reached out to the memories of Grandma Bessie. She was the mend, repair and patch queen. Even if we didn't want jeans patched, because really sometimes holes in your jeans were cool. Nevertheless, they reappeared in our laundry basket entirely hole free. Even in the year of "you girls are now responsible for your own laundry," which basically turned into Grandma waiting till mom was gone and gathering the clothes and still doing our laundry, she really was the best. She fixed holes in socks, in jeans, probably in underwear. There were so many times you would come home and she was in her rocking chair in her room, patching holes.

She was from that generation, growing up in the depression, you saved, you fixed, you reused, before recycling was "in", they recycled. She saved everything from tin foil to pea juice. And, most importantly, she patched jeans. I immediately thought of her when I had this task of patching jeans. Number one, where did she get the patch material? I'm sure she had a secret pile of saved old jeans that were beyond patching. I did not. I had to dig around for an old pair to sacrifice for a patch.

Patch material found and an old pocket sacrificed, I was ready to attempt a patch. But where to begin, where to do the stitching? Are you supposed to see it? Not see it? I didn't have blue thread, because again, I'm not into sewing. I have the basics for button repair. Black thread, white thread and maybe three needles, which I can never find. But I found one, I was ready, ready as I could be anyway.

{The ugly patch job.}

So with the patch somewhat secured, I began the tedious process of patching. Like every other 42 year old out there, my vision is borderline - I might need bifocals - and trying to thread the needle was a process in itself, but I was able to finish one side. Then, looking at the mess in front of me it hit me. I missed it. I missed the chance to sit and watch Grandma sew. All the years, all the hours spent in her room. There were plenty of stories, snacks and sleepovers, but she usually did the sewing alone. I missed it. I never sat and watched, really watched. I never asked the questions. I never let her teach me. I took it for granted that Grandma would always be patching my clothes for me.

And all of a sudden, alone in my kitchen, looking at the stupid pair of jeans, I lost it. Tears... so many tears. I was sobbing. How did I allow myself to miss that chance. Grandma Bessie would have been 100 this year. I hope she is up there sewing heavenly patches and laughing at my horrid attempt at a patch job. But I will learn, I'll get better. Because if Grandma Bessie thought it was important to save, reuse, and patch, then it was important.

I've realized that just like taking for granted that I would always have her to patch when needed, we take so much for granted in this life. If nothing else, I will take time to stop, to learn, to ask the questions. To put my phone down. Read a little more, write a little more, Facebook a little less... Life is too short. And if you have a Grandma Bessie in your life, absorb those moments. Cherish those lessons. Remember those stories. One day it will be all you have. And if you ever need a pair of jeans patched, I am not your woman. But I know a great Grandma you can think of while you learn to do it yourself.

Why the Switch

How many of us have made New Years Resolutions? I know I quit drinking soda in January, and with one back slide (about 1/2 a fountain diet coke) in the last 4 1/2 months, I've done pretty well. 

We have all made "those" resolutions. Eat healthy. Drink more water or green tea, less soda. Workout. I have also purchased safer products for my home. Cleaning products that are non toxic. I use a lot of baking soda and vinegar. I've tried to cut the harmful stuff out of most area of my life. Recently I ordered safe deodorant and charcoal toothpaste for my family (yes, they think I'm crazy). 

But what is scary, is that our SKIN, is our largest organ. And most of the switches I've made, have very little to do with what I put on my skin. Until now... When I signed up with Beautycounter, at first it was because I loved the charcoal bar, and it cleared my adult oily/acne skin up like a miracle. But since January, when I signed up as a consultant, I've been doing more and more research on what our everyday products do when we apply them. Did you know you absorb those toxins pretty much right into your blood stream? Did you know that sunscreen your using may in fact be causing cancer? My niece, very light complexion, very blonde, lived in Arizona almost her entire life. By age 14 she had pre-cancerous skin removed from her face... Her mom lived by sunscreen. Dangers of Sunscreen ... Did you know that companies don't have to tell you what is in their "Fragrance" because it's a "trade secret"... They don't have to tell you. You have no idea what "Fragrance" contains. 

The more I read and watch videos and study up on the chemicals that we are using DAILY, the more I stand behind Beautycounter. And, while I started because I loved their products, I will continue because I LOVE their mission. They are one of the only skin care cosmetic companies that has true transparency. Their ingredients are listed on their website - Ingredients. They have a strict Never List  of ingredients they refuse to use. And they have an active Mission of putting safer products into the hands of every consumer, whether or not they are Beautycounter products, or another brand. The main goal is educating consumers on finding safe products and doing the research when you buy. 

I watched this video again this morning - The Ugly Truth - and I know that I will continue to support this company and their mission. Please take a coffee break and watch this video. I'm not asking you to buy from me, I'm asking you to be informed on the Ugliness of this industry. I'm asking you to read ingredient labels. This industry, being self governed, will not change until the consumers push back enough that they have to. 

#switchtosafer #loveyourskin 

xoxoxo 

Beautycounter

P.s. you can also check your current products here EWG Skin Deep to see what safety rating they have, if the company discloses their ingredients... 

Another Mundane Post

This morning's devotions were on Contentment {Glimpses of Grace: Treasuring the Gospel in your Home, by Gloria Furman}. Where do we find our contentment? What "things" do we base our contentment around? This quote from the devotion really hit home, "Experiencing grace in the mundane is about far more than counting your blessings or being thankful for the life you've been given."  The mundane - meaning "lacking interest or excitement; dull."

Let that soak in a  minute...

...

"Experiencing grace in the mundane is about far more than counting your blessings or being thankful 

for the life you've been given."

I know I'm blessed. I thank the good Lord daily for the numerous blessings I've received. However, I am not sure the last time I felt grace or blessed for doing laundry, doing dishes, picking up the messes for the 50th time for the week. I can't remember the last time I said, "Thank you Lord, and Hallelujah, for giving me cat litter to scoop!" 

I will admit right here and now, that I rarely see the grace and blessing in the mundane. I drag my feet getting out of bed a lot of days, it's another day of the same old thing. Get the kid up, make breakfast, pack lunches, work, answering the phone, doing the mundane at work, doing the little things that I find so aggravating at times, on my lunch I usually do some laundry, get dinner around, scoop the cat litter, take out the garbage, etc... and the day rolls forward in the normal mundane fashion. And rarely, if ever, do I stop mid chore, mid work day, and say "Thank you Lord for chores..."

We thank God for the big things. The roof over our head, the jobs that provide, the food in our fridge, but we don't thank him for the little things that come with keeping that job, paying the bills to keep that home, buying the gas that gets us to the grocery store to buy the food that feeds us. Are you with me? We are grateful for the big picture. We are grateful for families and love, and life and health. We are rarely grateful with the daily grind that makes the rest of those blessings possible. 

How many times have I mumbled under my breath while doing these mundane things? How many times have I ranted out loud that dishes and laundry are NEVER ENDING... How many times have I complained about doing the mundane for the people I love? I have not been grateful. I have not looked for the grace or the blessings while doing the every day mundane chores. If you are like me then more times than not, we complain about the mundane. 

I've been seeing a lot of posts on Lent, today is Fat Tuesday and tomorrow the season of Lent begins. I have never done lent. I was raised Baptist/Bible and we just didn't do that. However, at TVC they have a "Fast Forward" where you don't just give up something, you give up something and you pick something else to do instead. So, this year I will give up Complaining about the Mundane. I will replace it with being Thankful for the Mundane. 

I will be thankful and count the blessings, the little ones. The ones that lead to the big ones. I will be thankful for every interrupting phone call and inconvenience during my work day, because that means I have a job. I will be thankful for the inconvenient requests and chores that I have to squeeze into my schedule for my family, because that means I have a family that relies on me, who I have the amazing opportunity to bless in return by doing these mundane things for them. I will be thankful every time I have to pay a bill, because that means we have income that provides for us. 

The mundane. The mundane is full of grace and blessings. Even though we don't see the boring, non-exciting, little things as full of grace or blessed, they are. Today when you count your blessings, when you look for God's grace, don't look at the big picture. Look for the mundane, and find God's grace and blessings there. 

Blessed

It's been a crazy few days. I've gone from incredible anger, I won't get me started on parents who don't volunteer but want everything under the sun and misplace blame... {end of rant}. Super highs. Happy moments and then down moments. I feel like this last weekend has put me through the tumbler of emotions - and not I am not pms'ing. That just takes chocolate.

At times like this I have to remember some of my favorite verses of Jeremiah...

God has a plan. It is usually not the plan that I think it is. More times than not, disappointment leads to something great. Something I hadn't really expected. I have to remember that HE has a plan. Not my plan, not my will, but His.

Then I have to remember that when I'm looking for His plan, that I need to truly be seeking His plan, "with all my heart". 

I know we all have those moments of sadness, disappointment, failures, and when life just seems like NOTHING is going where you thought it would. But HE holds us safely, holding us for the moment that His plan will be opened to our eyes. You may not be able to see it yet, you might not even be able to fathom it at this point in your life, but there is a plan out there much bigger than you and I can imagine. We just have to put our faith and hope in Him, and seek Him with all our hearts. I have faith that His plan will be revealed, not today, maybe not this year, but if I keep on keeping on... Keep moving forward. Keep looking to Him for my next step. Then I will see the plan.

Troubled Sea

Ran across this video today: Rend Collective "My Lighthouse"

The first line of the song just resonates with me, "In my wrestling, in my doubts, in my failures you won't walk out. Your great love will lead me through. You are the peace in my troubled sea."

So often I am troubled, as life throws all sorts of problems at me. Making adult decisions is something that even for the last 24 years of my actual adulthood, that I so often try to do on my own. I'm stubborn, I'm an introvert. I keep it all bottled up and just surge forward on my own trying to keep my head above water without asking anyone for help or advice. Even God. I let my troubled sea of burdens continue to deluge me with sinking waves.

Yet, even in these times when my sea is troubled, when the waters are rocking my boat, and the life jacket feels just out of reach, there is a light that will guide me safely home. I just have to look. I have to take a pause, a moment to look up from my troubles and lean on someone, to lean on HIM, and to see that He has a light shining for me, leading me home.

It was a good reminder listening to this song this morning that as they lyrics state "I will trust the promise you will carry me safe to shore."

Dear Parents...

Parents of athletes come in all sorts. Lately, I'm frustrated to say, that the bad seem to outweigh the good. Maybe it's because I've been around athletics and parents for over 20 years and sometimes what you see and hear just rubs you the wrong way. So, I'm going to get on a soapbox for a moment...

YOUR KIDS ARE ONLY YOUNG ONCE!  

Yes, I shouted that. Look, parents, I've had two kids graduate already. The time goes by so fast, and once it's gone, it's gone. You can't fix the "would've, should've, could've" that plague your mind. Support your kids now. They want to wrestle, support them. They want to be in band, support them. They aren't sure what they want to do? Help them discover their passions whatever that may be. I am a huge advocate of "just be involved" - whether it's arts, athletics, community, whatever... Keeping kids busy and teaching them life skills, that do not revolve around video games or partying, will help keep them out of trouble. 

Yes, I know that we all have jobs, meetings, deadlines, dinner to fix, groceries to buy, houses to clean, and hobbies of our own, and a negative balance of time once we jam it all in. But, I am here to tell you that staying up till 2 am on a school night while your kid tries to crank out homework, after getting home from a meet or game at 11 pm, is worth it. Traveling all over the state, whether it's once a week or three times a week, is worth it. Getting up at 4 am to get food ready for a table of wrestlers, who will undoubtedly forget to say thank you, driving over an hour to deliver said prepared food, and then sitting in the hard uncomfortable stands all day, to watch him/her maybe wrestle for 3 minutes the entire day.. Yes, let me say it again, IT'S WORTH IT! 

I have watched so many kids go through our programs here. The majority of the parents are supportive, die-hard, do-anything without grumbling parents. Then there's the other 5%, the 5% who want this to be about them, who ruin something their kid actually loves to do, who aren't there to support, but to complain. Please don't be that parent. Please, and yes I am pleading, PLEASE, take a time-out when you want to complain and moan about coaches, parents, kids, travel, or their sport/activity in general. Take a time-out and ask yourself, will saying this help? Will doing/not-doing this be something I regret? 

I know, I've slipped into that category throughout the years. I'm not perfect, there are mornings I just want to sleep, or read, or just clean my house, but I have some 40 years of life or more (hopefully) after my kids are gone, when these days of watching them compete are over. I will have decades to sleep, read and clean. I've sent my older two off (far off) to college already. There are already things I wish I could go back and change, BUT YOU CAN'T. That's life. Life isn't fair. We can't be multiple places at once. We can't pause time or get it back once it's gone. All we can do is live in the moment, and hope that we make the best choices possible for our kids. 

So today, Dear Parents, I'm asking for your help. Let's give these kids a good experience. Let's all be adults and help support them and their passions. Let them see the bonds and experiences that they build in extra-curricular's are important. Let's block the negativity, support the passions, ignite the fire, and build a community of support for them. 

Your's Truly, 

Tired of the Negativity Mom

Searching Still...

As I continue to look for a replacement for Shakeology, I've realized that I really should have done more homework years ago! Although I loved the Beachbody workouts and Shakeology, the cost is really up there! I struggled through a couple of years being successful with Shakeology but not with their programs... This adult ADD sets in and I just cannot complete a program. I get bored. I'd rather run. Walk. Hike. Anything but do the same DVD's for months and months on end.

So now, here I am - better late than never - doing the research. I've found some really good articles. I've tried some bad shakes. Some good shakes.

Results with Thrive. I stopped trying after day three. I only took 1 of their capsules each day instead of 2 but still felt shaky and just like I was "in a funk"... I didn't feel normal and didn't like the three step process. Capsules. Shake. Patch.

I just want an all in one shake that I can replace breakfast or lunch with (since I am the forgetful eater). I want a whole based food shake. I want protein, less sugar and probiotics. Without having to take 2 or 3 products to get it all. Which, was the benefit of Shakeology.

Next up, I tried Juice Plus. I really liked the flavor of the vanilla shake. I didn't care much for the flavor of the chocolate. It just isn't chocolate enough for me. I loved their complete bars and will probably order some to keep on hand for snacking. But, while it's a little bit cheaper than Shakeology it's still up there quite a bit, and it's another MLM company and felt the need to "sign up" to get the discount. But I've decided I'm not doing another company where I feel like I have to sell it in order to afford it.

So, while looking for some other options last night I ran across this one...

Vega One vs. Shakeology. I've ordered my first container of the shake. Pros that I like, it appears to be nutritionally equivalent if not better than Shakeology. It is MUCH cheaper. I can buy it direct, for a low price through Amazon and get free shipping (much love for Amazon Prime), or even find it in local stores (Walgreen, Meijer, Walmart, etc...). This I like. I like that there are options for purchasing rather than being signed up with a company and tied down to a monthly shipment to get the free shipping. I like that it is affordable, yet GOOD. Plus, there are 8 flavors. I may just try them all.

More to come soon after I get to try this new product!

Finding the Right Shake...

So, as a former Beachbody coach, I have spent a few years taking Shakeology, what I discovered was that I loved the product, but it is really expensive. When it was just myself taking it, it was not a problem, but then my 2 oldest and my youngest all want to share and who can afford 4 boxes a month?? Not at $100 a bag (that's with the coach discount)...

So I started doing some research, and I am currently on the hunt for a healthy, whole foods, protein mix that preferably has probiotics and some vitamins. I've found my body seems to absorb vitamins from the shakes better than a capsule.

If you are interested in what exactly is out there, well just follow along. If you have a favorite that you have tried, let me know! I have quite a few samples to try and looking for more everyday.

First up, I tried Life's Abundance. I loved the health coach that sells it (this is another MLM company with business opportunities), she was friendly and helpful. I also like that their company sells dog/cat food and pet products. I tried the Mineral & Antioxidant drink - loved it! As did my husband and son. I also tried the Green's Blend and loved this as well. I mixed it with a cup of juice, a banana, and some frozen blueberries. However, when I tried the Plant Protein I was a little disappointed... The flavor was not that great, and it was just protein. They sell the probiotics separately. So I would end up combining three products if I go with this brand (the greens, the probiotics and the protein).

So today, I had a lovely lady in Colorado, send me a ton of samples of Thrive. So I started my Thrive experience today... more to come after I've had a few samples on this one!

Screaming Puppy Mud and Wine

Last night I was going to be productive. I was going to sort my husband's wrestling team uniforms. But I have a dog. Make that one dog and one puppy. A cat. And a soon to be 13 year old boy at home. I knew such a feat required wine, which I had.

I shortly discovered this would also require some system of blockade. My 13 year old's ingenious mind quickly went to work on fencing his mother in with the sofa, coffee table uniforms, ottoman, boxes, and tubs... I was secured. I was sorting. I was ORGANIZED.

Of course as soon as I got on a roll, the puppy wanted to play. She must sense that the uniforms were distracting me in some way from her, because she would bring her toy, lay on the ottoman, and ever so gently drop it onto my stacks of uniforms. I told my son to go play with her, keep her out of my neat and organized piles. He played. For two seconds. Then she was back, dropping her toy onto my pile. And somehow she managed to always drop it on the tallest of piles most likely to tip. So the cycle began, "go play with her!"... after two seconds of tug of the rope, or one toss of fetch, the son was back to trying to make contraptions out of mouse traps. Yes, this is truly what was so important, and yes, they were clean traps. The puppy was back. After about 5 - 6 times of this I almost snapped, but I caught myself and gave the "stern" look, that had him saying "ok, ok..." This time he let her outside. I don't know about you, but where we are here in Michigan in January, there is no snow. There is mud. A lot of mud. And the puppy LOVES mud. But at least the puppy was outside.

So my sorting frenzy began again. I had just finished my piles, sat back and was adoring my absolute work of art! I had 8 neat piles, labeled, stacked, and I had recorded numbers. I was amazing. Then the kid let the puppy in... My light tan ottoman was quickly covered in puppy mud, as the puppy jumped over the ottoman ONTO my piles!

I snapped. Truly and crazily. I may have swore. I may have swung at the dog as I pushed her off my once truly amazing piles, but she couldn't go anywhere because she was no trapped in the blockade with me. As I continued to scream "Get her out!" ... with a few expletives. My kid was profusely apologizing and blaming "You said let her in!" UGH...

That's how motherhood goes, at least in my world. I was on such a good streak. Sticking to my "better me" plan, tackling a project, cleaning, eating well, reading, devotions, always saying something nice... And then the muddy puppy ruined it. In a split second I became the raving lunatic mom. The mom that I once thought had to be crazy to scream at her kids like that. I admitted my erroneous ways to my friends and sister in a group text. One of them said it was due, that I had the patience of a saint for far too long. But I felt terrible. I fixed my piles, I had to wipe off a few uniforms. My son scrubbed the ottoman. We survived.

I was reading my devotions this morning and realized, I'm not terrible. I may have had a temporary bout of insanity, fueled by puppy mud, but I am not terrible. I am human. I am a sinner. I may be made in the image of God, but I am not Godly. I am human. And in all my glorious humanity last night, I felt God snicker in the back of my mind. He knows what it's like. He knows how it is to tell his children, do this... do this... do this... but we don't. We pick our own roads, and we travel our own paths. And sometimes, I think God, gives us these snapping moments to bring us back to reality.

Being organized, even just for one brief moment, doesn't make me a better mom. It may make me efficient in that moment. It may make some of life's tasks easier. But that doesn't make me better. Being loving, taking time to be "in the moment" with my loved ones. That makes me better. Listening to God's voice and looking for his path and direction for my family. That makes me better. Not that I have given up on trying to be more organized. It's still on my to do list. But last night was just a reminder that this slight failure, while I thought I was doing so well, doesn't ruin me. So thank you crazy muddy puppy for bringing me back to reality.

Is My Workout God's Calling?

I'll be 42 next month, and let's just say that taking a year (or more) off of working out and eating healthy doesn't look the same at 42 as it did at 29...

I've been "athletic" my entire life. It's in my genes. And yes, I am blessed. However, starting fresh this morning was rough. I think I could feel the shakiness of my lungs after 10 minutes. It was not pleasant. I'm already feeling the soreness after the workout. I'm sure I won't be walking normal tomorrow. But I had to start somewhere. When I say I "had" to, it's not because of the physical reasons - gained weight, fatigue, that soft tire of flab developing in my mid section, arms, thighs, etc... Those are definite reasons, but not my reason.

This time around I don't have physical goals. I'm not training for a 1/2 marathon (or even a 5k). I'm not stepping on the scale and measuring inches. (As a side note, other than for the wrestlers in my family, I do not believe in the scale. Ever.) I'm not running challenge groups (Dear Beachbody) or doing it to try and make sales. My only inspiration this time around is for how I want "Me" to reflect on others.

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst? 

If anyone destroys God's temple, god will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, 

and you together are that temple." ~1 Cor. 3:16-17

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit,

who is in you, whom you have received from God?

You are not your own." ~1 Cor 6:19

I spent all of 2016 in a "funk" to say the least. No motivation. No inspiration. Too busy for anything and most everything. I started drinking Diet Coke again, started eating fast food and junk again. Quit working out. Quit doing devotions. Watched too much TV. Quit reading. Yep... in 2016 I let my life spiral down the toilet. 

But with all my better choices and goals that I am making, fueling my body and spirit are top on my list. Balancing my time, partially by staying off facebook, twitter, snapchat, instagram, etc... (there are way too many social media sites now) and by limiting the time spent vegging on the couch, I can find all kinds of ways to fit in what 2016 was lacking. 

Finding time for devotions, reading and just being in prayer will help fill that spiritual and emotional hole. Filling this hole will allow me to go out and be that better person, just as working out my muscles and body will allow me to have the energy to do what I need to do. 

"Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, 

it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you."

Luke 11:36

I can't say that I've ever fully realized what specifically "My Purpose" on this world is. Mom, wife, friend, cheerleader and motivator, volunteer... I've had these roles, but what defines me? And maybe this is something we should continually ask ourselves anyway as our purpose likely changes everyday. Maybe some days my purpose is just to get my family to school and work. Maybe other days it's paying it forward to an unknown stranger. Maybe other times, it's being that listening ear for friends and family. But what I do know, is this: 

"it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling"

 [yes, even the dirty laundry, dishes, puke clean up, and washing of nasty 

smelly football and wrestling uniforms] 

"or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault

in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky." 

Phil 2:13-15

I know that for me to shine in my purpose, whatever that may be, that I need to seek God's voice. I don't know his plans, but I know that they are good. I just have to fill my body and my soul with what is good and pleasing. So, at 41 going on 42, starting a workout program was pure torture. But if it enriches this temple to do God's work, I'm all in. 

Who I Am

Some may call it a mid life crisis. Maybe they're right. I prefer to call it a season of growth. But however you look at it, I am 'that' mom/wife/women in her early 40's who hears that question growing in the back of my head. "Who am I?" Let me tell you who I was...

As a teenager, I was the shy, nerdy, athletic girl. I was good enough at sports with a few close friends that I rarely got picked on, but I was never the popular girl. I was always on the fringes of the "popular" crowd. They knew me, were nice to me, but hadn't truly accepted me. Which in all honesty, I was fine with. I'm an introvert by nature. Sticking to my few close friends, with my good grades and sports was all I needed. In high school I became part of a "couple." My first real boyfriend happened at the end of my sophomore year, and to this day (ahem... almost 26 years later) is still the love of my life. And then my circle of friends expanded, they now included his friends.

The college years were a lot of the same, I was still pretty much the same person I was in high school. Good grades, still athletic, and still just a few close friends, which now included those girls in my dorm room and across the hallway. I still didn't go to parties, unless I was dragged along to the be designated driver, and I still had a boyfriend at home.

Then there was marriage. Now our friends were "couples", which basically met I now had friends that included his friends' wives. It was fun, we had card nights, we all had babies and toddlers, we had vacations and cruises. Life was good. I was more "out there" then anytime before in my life. My circle had again expanded, I had new friends from the kids' friends. My life was full and busy. Two young kids, 14 months apart, a new husband, a new house... Not that there weren't problems, arguments and rough spots, there was, but I wasn't a troubled person. I was a young mom and wife, who was just trying to figure out "how" to do all that, and still work.

A few years later, I fell into a "career", the two youngest had started school, then a quick conversation about kids with my husband and we were back to being pregnant, and soon had a third child, who was about 7 years behind the other two. So the baby cycle started all over again, and again the circle expanded, and at the same time, the circle closed some as well. Have you ever heard of having friends for a season? I can exactly point out those friends in every season of my life. I don't wish them angst and I don't wish things had been different. I sometimes miss different pieces of those friends, but in all, sometimes our circle can only be so big.

Finally, the youngest made it into school. Praise God and Hallelujah! Three kids in three schools at one point when the oldest started high school. Three kids doing about 9 different sports and activities. Which led to a huge change in my circle. I became the "volunteer". It started with a team mom, that led to a board member, to running the board, to running multiple boards, then being on the school board, then coaching... and the circle became huge. Sometimes my introverted self couldn't handle it. I soon realized, that as a volunteer (which seems like a "nice" word, but let me tell you, some of my largest challenges and biggest moments that pushed me towards a mental breakdown revolve around that word) many minutes are spent dealing with angry parents, repetitive questions, and people that want everything for nothing. Now, I definitely feel that I get way more out of volunteering than problems, or I wouldn't do it, but there are times when a day at the field leaves you curled in a ball on the couch, grasping for a bottle of wine, and hoping that no one ever talks to you. Ever again. But at this point in my life, I was pushed out of my introverted bubble of smallness.

My quiet, comfortable world was expanded in epic amounts. I had to talk to people, a lot. I had to deal with issues. I had to organize and set schedules (type A I am not). I learned. I grew. I managed to become a better person, mother and friend - at least I'm hoping that's what those close to me would say. My life was super busy, but it wasn't "full". There was always something, something in the back of my mind, saying "try this, or that, or that..." I have tried hobbies galore, some of them very beneficial - like training for half-marathons (I wish I was in that type of physical shape still), but most have fallen by the wayside.

Almost two years ago, as my oldest was facing graduation and picking a school 24 hours away, that busy wasn't me. Busy kept me occupied. Kept me going, filled my days and hours on end. But the people around me, my family, they are what completed me. And now, faced with sending my son into the mountains of Colorado, I realized that who I was, was no longer. Then in a blink of an eye, 12 months later, I was signing my daughter up for a school, much closer, but still 8 hours away and three states away. Ladies, my babies have flown the nest, and yes I encouraged it (I'll save that for another day). With just the husband, one kid, two dogs and a cat left at home. My world had once again become quiet.

Now, let's get this straight, I still am a sucker for being a volunteer, and with my youngest still in school, well I have another 7 years of being prey for all these volunteer groups, but let me tell you this. One kid in sports (and he does 6 sports, two each season) is a breeze, compared to three, and that breeze is like a calm, warm wind on your face that says "it is okay to relax." While I wouldn't change a moment of my busy life with three kids, I also am very eager to accept the calm after the storm. And while life is still busy, it is much calmer than before.

I guess the question isn't really "Who Am I". I know who I am and am comfortable in all my faults and strengths. The question ahead of me at this point is "Who is the better me?" What have I not had time for all these years that would improve my life, my family's life and overall life in general? Believe me, I have a list. Not a bucket list, I have one of those too, but a "Now that you have free time you need to do" list...

* Devotions and Church attendance for spiritual health
* Working out/running for physical health
* Cutting out the brownies and caffeine (which, YES, I am currently eating and drinking those as I type) for physical health.
* Taking more classes for work and finish my Master's Degree - for my mental health.
* Take more vacations or just spend more weekends at the river property - I'm pretty sure this falls under mental health as well...
* Spend time with my family - which I think just benefits us in every way possible.
* Blog/write/journal - this can be mental and spiritual
* Get caught up on scrapbooks - help me, but this is a true nightmare...
* Organize my house, set an actual cleaning schedule - not sure what this falls under but organization is my enemy...
* Budget, budget, budget... which is for financial health and is another fault. It comes with not being organized.

Throughout every season of my life I have done all of this, not all at the same time, at least not for extended lengths of time. Something always gets cut out, not enough time... But I have decided that this season, this - adapting to what will be an empty nest season; this - becoming a better me season.. This next chapter moving forward is Do or Don't. Either I become better or I don't. Either I start making changes or I become lazy.

God gives us gifts. His grace and mercy have found me many many dark nights. God truly knows how neglected portions of my life have been. I dislike New Years Resolutions, as they are short lived and hype for the New Year. But change, change and growth, these are good things. These are things I need to instill into the wife and mother that I am. This season of Who Am I, will become the next part where I will grow, I will learn, and in the chapter after this, when life is the empty nest, I will be able to say this is Who I Am.

And eventually, at some point in my life, I will have the answers to the questions in the back of my head, and I will be able to say, when I grew up I became...

Hello, Again...

Almost every new year I reintroduce myself to the blog... This last year was one of "those" years where my New Years post was my only post. Very sad. I truly miss writing and sharing my thoughts.

So yes, let me introduce myself again.

Over the past year I have transitioned down to a household of 3. My son is still out in Colorado, and my daughter moved to college down in Tennessee. I also transitioned back into the years of the dreaded middle school days as my youngest entered 6th grade last fall.

I am no pro on mothering. On being a wife. None of it. I am constantly failing and trying to learn again, but this last year was one of the hardest. Now that I have adapted, somewhat, to the household of three this year holds promises again.

What have I learned this year? I've had to learn how to cook for just three. My oldest two ate just about anything. My youngest and husband are the picky eaters. I've had to rearrange time frames, back to school drop off every day as my two oldest aren't here to drive the youngest anymore. I've learned how precious those crazy days with three kids were, and how to spend those now free moments when I don't have kids at three different practices anymore.

What I still have to learn? A lot. I keep thinking that the longer I am a wife and mom that the more I know, but really what I learned is that the longer that I am a wife and mom, the more there is to learn.

So this year is about the learning and growing. Cheers 2017!