Where My Focus Is

How many years has it taken for me to realize what my son already knows at the age of 18?  I guess twice as long, as I'm almost 40 and just fully accepting the truth that I've been told for years. I try over and over again to handle life on my own, only to become burdened, stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated. Bills pile up, to-do lists don't get done, arguments and tempers flare, and I realize I'm trying to do things my way with no ones help. I hate to ask for help, I would like to think I am strong enough, smart enough to do whatever it is On. My. Own. 

But the truth is I'm not. I'm not smart enough. I'm not strong enough. I don't have the emotional strength to carry everything on my own shoulders. That's why God tells us to "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7. I repeat this over and over to myself when I finally feel myself falling into the downward spiral that relying on myself leads to. And when I suddenly give it all to Him. When, I take that deep breath with tears in my eyes, I realize that it feels So. Much. Better. His arms lift all the worries, the fear, the burdens, the sadness off my shoulders and he carries them away. Far. Far. Away. 

Someday I feel that I will have this down. That I will always seek Him first when is start to feel those feelings. When I start to feel stressed because once again I've put my name on too many lists, that I will turn to Him and ask for the the strength I need to say "No." Keeping God at my center, not my to-do list. Keeping Him first on my "to-do" list daily. Daily prayers and devotions. My downfall is all the other areas of my life that turn my attention from God and my focus starts to stare at something else... where our focus is, is where we spend our time, our resources...  that becomes our "center". I want my center to remain in Him.

"Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." Matt 4:4

My focus seems to have always been (of recent) my "to-do list". Always having another thing to do, coaching, board duties, volunteer duties, work, mom, wife, friend, etc... I was always "finding" something to do as my husband put it. I denied this at first. It's not like I was out finding "bad" stuff to do. I was just "doing" the everyday stuff, right? A good friend of mine got me a bag that said, "stop me from volunteering again." I guess everyone saw it but me. And saying "NO" is not, has never been, easy for me. I'm a giver, a pleaser, a servant... the list goes on. I don't mind. But my stress level does. When I get home at night and haven't had time to do dishes, laundry, pay bills, clean the cat litter, much less sit and relax, then it becomes an issue. I've done so much for so many, but the basics get neglected. I feel bad taking an hour to go get my hair trimmed or just sitting on the couch with a good book. I shouldn't. I should be allowed to relax without thinking about the million and one things that HAVE NOT been done yet.

So today, and hopefully everyday, I'm turning to Him first. Seeking his guidance for the wisdom to make my choices count for Him. I'm seeking His will in all the little things. It may seem silly to some, but when all the little things begin to control and overtake, is that satan filling us up with whatever he can to distract us from our true path? I will seek Him daily. His will. His plan. His direction for my life, even over paying my bills and volunteering in my free time. Because it's not about me. It's about Him and being the Best. Me. that I can possibly be so that His light and His love will forever shine through me. 

In 18 Years

My son had to write a poem for school - here it is. He has no idea I'm sharing, but not that many people will see it here... I've realized that he is far wiser at 18 years of age, than I am at almost 40. I would like to think that he learned this from me, but I cannot take credit as I still struggle with this. He is wise beyond his years with a faith I only hope I will have. I'm proud of the man he has become and this is one of the main reasons, not his athletic ability or good grades, but his true Faith and leadership that he shares daily.

These are the Words...

The Words I Would Say

Listened to this song today and now I can't stop listening to it. These are the words I would say to my kids, to my friends and family. These words are so true.

I've been crying A. LOT. lately. My son just turned 18, it's his senior year, senior pictures, he made homecoming court, he is going out of state (flying on his own-agh!) to meet with college wrestling coaches, the list goes on and on... But most importantly, he is a strong christian man. He sets a good example. He's a good leader, friend, boyfriend, brother and son. I am so proud of him in so many ways. When you learn from the examples your kids set... I've been there. When I would want to skip church, there he is, getting ready at 730am. I've learned as much from him over the years.

As I listen to this song, I think this is exactly what I want to tell him next fall when he moves away to where ever it is that God leads him. I want him to be the best he can be and to constantly search for God's will in his life. I know first hand the road you travel on your own is much more bumpy, uncertain and dark than the one God has mapped out for you. But many of us learn the hard way. None of us want that for our kids. We want them to learn from our mistakes so they don't have to make them on their own. I pray every day for their futures, wherever they will be...

I plan on sharing this song with him next year, and I hope, for him and my other two, that these prayers come true.

"Be Strong in the Lord, and Never Give Up Hope
You're Gonna Do Great Things, I Already Know
God's Got His Hand On You, so Don't Live Life in Fear,
Forgive and Forget, But Don't Forget Why You're Here,
Take Your Time and Pray..." 

As I cry more tears, just thinking about it... Ah! The joys of senior year emotions! My first born... My first to leave the nest.

The Real Struggle

I seriously think, no scratch that, I KNOW, I have some form of ADHD. Why can't I get online to do one thing without having 8 browser tabs open? Why can't I focus on just one book at a time? Why can't I clean my house without ending up picking up 12 things out of 4 different rooms, only to find that they are all still a mess and I just spent all my time "wandering" when I meant to grab the cleaning wipes 10 minutes ago? When I go upstairs for a new cup of tea or coffee, I wash 6 dishes, wipe down one counter and start dinner and wander back downstairs WITHOUT. MY. DRINK. It's frustrating. I spend more time making needless trips than actually accomplishing something.

Our lifestyles do not make it any easier to focus either. I will get a good focus going and then get distracted. For example I typed the above paragraph and then my phone vibrated so then I had to pick it up and see what the alert was, then my calendar reminder went off reminding me I have a conference call in 10 minutes, etc... Our lives are filled with interruptions, and we choose to let those interruptions cause a distraction for us. I don't know how many New Year's resolutions I've made to be more disciplined, more focused and more organized. Has it happened yet? No. Not really. Have I tried? Yes, maybe not hard enough.

I decided to be a Beachbody coach. I LOVE the way I feel taking Shakeology. I love the way I feel when I workout, while drinking the shake everyday is easy, the getting up an hour early to work out part, is not. I struggle, no actually I snuggle. In bed. With my dog.  And pull the pillow over my head and block out the alarm. Then later in the day realize it's either workout, clean or one of the other half a million tasks I need to do, but that I can't do them all. So it's generally working out or cleaning that go by the wayside. Seriously, I am not filthy. My house is safe and mostly clean. I do dishes and laundry everyday, clean the cat box, etc... But when was the last time I cleaned baseboards? Really scrubbed down the entire house? I don't remember. I have papers on my fridge from last years sports schedules. I have pictures and Christmas cards from years and years and years ago in a drawer in our kitchen... I don't know why. Other than I haven't committed to throwing them out. Some relative may find out I threw out their Christmas family photo and hold a grudge. Back to the point, I love Beachbody and coaching, but I NEED to have focus to be successful at it, or anything for that matter.

When I started in April I was determined. I was focused. I was ready to change my life. I was giving all my glory to God. I was committed to tithing. I was journaling daily. Then I lost focus. My mind wandered as I was "busy" with all the back to school "stuff", coaching and sports events, senior year stuff, etc... The list could go on and on. But what I've realized is that it's up to me to choose. We are all busy, but why? Because we choose to take on more than we can physically and emotionally handle. Then at that point everything else unravels. I snap at my kids at my husband and live in a generally frustrated mood. I stay in bed with my dog instead of getting up and doing my devotions and workout. So how do I work on staying focused? I need to ask God, daily, for his help. I know that when I seek Him and His will, that life just goes more smoothly. I'm not as ornery, rushed or frustrated. One of the books I'm reading now, "The Best Yes", by Lisa Terkeurst, is about choosing when to say yes. Some of us (me me me) have a hard time saying no. I feel like I'm expected to do a lot of things that a lot of other people never even think of doing, like making chicken citrus salad for a school of teachers tomorrow during conferences so they have food... Why do I feel compelled to volunteer and say yes to stuff like this when I don't even make time for the stuff I NEED to do everyday??

So, as part of my "staying focused" attempt #1,693 (probably more than that) I am committing to my daily devotions and journaling/blogging. Daily or at least 3-5/wk exercise and spending a 1/2 hour a day working on some area of my house that NEEDS to be decluttered. Because every time I see it, the frustration builds. So how to do this? I need to add 1-2 hours of time to my day right? That means getting up about an hour early and instead of relaxing (which I know we all need) at night on the couch with the kids for an hour or two, it means decluttering. It won't be easy. I'm guessing at some point I'll start a cupboard full of stuff and come back an hour later to see that I left in in a state of disarray and feel like a failure for not being able to organize one silly cupboard. BUT, I know that my organizational skills doesn't define me. I'm not perfect. And as the one book I'm reading says, (paraphrased) I'm a work in progress. I'm making small baby steps, imperfect progress, but still progress. (From Unglued by Lisa Terkeurst).

So, be prepared for blogging... I'm taking those  small steps to be a better me, a better wife, a better mom, friend and coach. I'm hoping to declutter (1/2 an hour at a time), get in shape, and Be. Happy. with the choices I make. It won't happen overnight. I'm sure if you check back in a year, the struggle will war on, but hopefully my house will be 100 lbs of clutter lighter and my abs will be toned, and most importantly, God will be smiling upon me as I read my devotions and spend time in prayer. The struggle is real, most definitely, but it is not impossible. Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.