Who I Am

Some may call it a mid life crisis. Maybe they're right. I prefer to call it a season of growth. But however you look at it, I am 'that' mom/wife/women in her early 40's who hears that question growing in the back of my head. "Who am I?" Let me tell you who I was...

As a teenager, I was the shy, nerdy, athletic girl. I was good enough at sports with a few close friends that I rarely got picked on, but I was never the popular girl. I was always on the fringes of the "popular" crowd. They knew me, were nice to me, but hadn't truly accepted me. Which in all honesty, I was fine with. I'm an introvert by nature. Sticking to my few close friends, with my good grades and sports was all I needed. In high school I became part of a "couple." My first real boyfriend happened at the end of my sophomore year, and to this day (ahem... almost 26 years later) is still the love of my life. And then my circle of friends expanded, they now included his friends.

The college years were a lot of the same, I was still pretty much the same person I was in high school. Good grades, still athletic, and still just a few close friends, which now included those girls in my dorm room and across the hallway. I still didn't go to parties, unless I was dragged along to the be designated driver, and I still had a boyfriend at home.

Then there was marriage. Now our friends were "couples", which basically met I now had friends that included his friends' wives. It was fun, we had card nights, we all had babies and toddlers, we had vacations and cruises. Life was good. I was more "out there" then anytime before in my life. My circle had again expanded, I had new friends from the kids' friends. My life was full and busy. Two young kids, 14 months apart, a new husband, a new house... Not that there weren't problems, arguments and rough spots, there was, but I wasn't a troubled person. I was a young mom and wife, who was just trying to figure out "how" to do all that, and still work.

A few years later, I fell into a "career", the two youngest had started school, then a quick conversation about kids with my husband and we were back to being pregnant, and soon had a third child, who was about 7 years behind the other two. So the baby cycle started all over again, and again the circle expanded, and at the same time, the circle closed some as well. Have you ever heard of having friends for a season? I can exactly point out those friends in every season of my life. I don't wish them angst and I don't wish things had been different. I sometimes miss different pieces of those friends, but in all, sometimes our circle can only be so big.

Finally, the youngest made it into school. Praise God and Hallelujah! Three kids in three schools at one point when the oldest started high school. Three kids doing about 9 different sports and activities. Which led to a huge change in my circle. I became the "volunteer". It started with a team mom, that led to a board member, to running the board, to running multiple boards, then being on the school board, then coaching... and the circle became huge. Sometimes my introverted self couldn't handle it. I soon realized, that as a volunteer (which seems like a "nice" word, but let me tell you, some of my largest challenges and biggest moments that pushed me towards a mental breakdown revolve around that word) many minutes are spent dealing with angry parents, repetitive questions, and people that want everything for nothing. Now, I definitely feel that I get way more out of volunteering than problems, or I wouldn't do it, but there are times when a day at the field leaves you curled in a ball on the couch, grasping for a bottle of wine, and hoping that no one ever talks to you. Ever again. But at this point in my life, I was pushed out of my introverted bubble of smallness.

My quiet, comfortable world was expanded in epic amounts. I had to talk to people, a lot. I had to deal with issues. I had to organize and set schedules (type A I am not). I learned. I grew. I managed to become a better person, mother and friend - at least I'm hoping that's what those close to me would say. My life was super busy, but it wasn't "full". There was always something, something in the back of my mind, saying "try this, or that, or that..." I have tried hobbies galore, some of them very beneficial - like training for half-marathons (I wish I was in that type of physical shape still), but most have fallen by the wayside.

Almost two years ago, as my oldest was facing graduation and picking a school 24 hours away, that busy wasn't me. Busy kept me occupied. Kept me going, filled my days and hours on end. But the people around me, my family, they are what completed me. And now, faced with sending my son into the mountains of Colorado, I realized that who I was, was no longer. Then in a blink of an eye, 12 months later, I was signing my daughter up for a school, much closer, but still 8 hours away and three states away. Ladies, my babies have flown the nest, and yes I encouraged it (I'll save that for another day). With just the husband, one kid, two dogs and a cat left at home. My world had once again become quiet.

Now, let's get this straight, I still am a sucker for being a volunteer, and with my youngest still in school, well I have another 7 years of being prey for all these volunteer groups, but let me tell you this. One kid in sports (and he does 6 sports, two each season) is a breeze, compared to three, and that breeze is like a calm, warm wind on your face that says "it is okay to relax." While I wouldn't change a moment of my busy life with three kids, I also am very eager to accept the calm after the storm. And while life is still busy, it is much calmer than before.

I guess the question isn't really "Who Am I". I know who I am and am comfortable in all my faults and strengths. The question ahead of me at this point is "Who is the better me?" What have I not had time for all these years that would improve my life, my family's life and overall life in general? Believe me, I have a list. Not a bucket list, I have one of those too, but a "Now that you have free time you need to do" list...

* Devotions and Church attendance for spiritual health
* Working out/running for physical health
* Cutting out the brownies and caffeine (which, YES, I am currently eating and drinking those as I type) for physical health.
* Taking more classes for work and finish my Master's Degree - for my mental health.
* Take more vacations or just spend more weekends at the river property - I'm pretty sure this falls under mental health as well...
* Spend time with my family - which I think just benefits us in every way possible.
* Blog/write/journal - this can be mental and spiritual
* Get caught up on scrapbooks - help me, but this is a true nightmare...
* Organize my house, set an actual cleaning schedule - not sure what this falls under but organization is my enemy...
* Budget, budget, budget... which is for financial health and is another fault. It comes with not being organized.

Throughout every season of my life I have done all of this, not all at the same time, at least not for extended lengths of time. Something always gets cut out, not enough time... But I have decided that this season, this - adapting to what will be an empty nest season; this - becoming a better me season.. This next chapter moving forward is Do or Don't. Either I become better or I don't. Either I start making changes or I become lazy.

God gives us gifts. His grace and mercy have found me many many dark nights. God truly knows how neglected portions of my life have been. I dislike New Years Resolutions, as they are short lived and hype for the New Year. But change, change and growth, these are good things. These are things I need to instill into the wife and mother that I am. This season of Who Am I, will become the next part where I will grow, I will learn, and in the chapter after this, when life is the empty nest, I will be able to say this is Who I Am.

And eventually, at some point in my life, I will have the answers to the questions in the back of my head, and I will be able to say, when I grew up I became...