Where My Focus Is

How many years has it taken for me to realize what my son already knows at the age of 18?  I guess twice as long, as I'm almost 40 and just fully accepting the truth that I've been told for years. I try over and over again to handle life on my own, only to become burdened, stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated. Bills pile up, to-do lists don't get done, arguments and tempers flare, and I realize I'm trying to do things my way with no ones help. I hate to ask for help, I would like to think I am strong enough, smart enough to do whatever it is On. My. Own. 

But the truth is I'm not. I'm not smart enough. I'm not strong enough. I don't have the emotional strength to carry everything on my own shoulders. That's why God tells us to "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7. I repeat this over and over to myself when I finally feel myself falling into the downward spiral that relying on myself leads to. And when I suddenly give it all to Him. When, I take that deep breath with tears in my eyes, I realize that it feels So. Much. Better. His arms lift all the worries, the fear, the burdens, the sadness off my shoulders and he carries them away. Far. Far. Away. 

Someday I feel that I will have this down. That I will always seek Him first when is start to feel those feelings. When I start to feel stressed because once again I've put my name on too many lists, that I will turn to Him and ask for the the strength I need to say "No." Keeping God at my center, not my to-do list. Keeping Him first on my "to-do" list daily. Daily prayers and devotions. My downfall is all the other areas of my life that turn my attention from God and my focus starts to stare at something else... where our focus is, is where we spend our time, our resources...  that becomes our "center". I want my center to remain in Him.

"Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." Matt 4:4

My focus seems to have always been (of recent) my "to-do list". Always having another thing to do, coaching, board duties, volunteer duties, work, mom, wife, friend, etc... I was always "finding" something to do as my husband put it. I denied this at first. It's not like I was out finding "bad" stuff to do. I was just "doing" the everyday stuff, right? A good friend of mine got me a bag that said, "stop me from volunteering again." I guess everyone saw it but me. And saying "NO" is not, has never been, easy for me. I'm a giver, a pleaser, a servant... the list goes on. I don't mind. But my stress level does. When I get home at night and haven't had time to do dishes, laundry, pay bills, clean the cat litter, much less sit and relax, then it becomes an issue. I've done so much for so many, but the basics get neglected. I feel bad taking an hour to go get my hair trimmed or just sitting on the couch with a good book. I shouldn't. I should be allowed to relax without thinking about the million and one things that HAVE NOT been done yet.

So today, and hopefully everyday, I'm turning to Him first. Seeking his guidance for the wisdom to make my choices count for Him. I'm seeking His will in all the little things. It may seem silly to some, but when all the little things begin to control and overtake, is that satan filling us up with whatever he can to distract us from our true path? I will seek Him daily. His will. His plan. His direction for my life, even over paying my bills and volunteering in my free time. Because it's not about me. It's about Him and being the Best. Me. that I can possibly be so that His light and His love will forever shine through me.