All My Worries...

Life has been so crazy these last few weeks. Graduation is crashing down around me, one month from today! I've become stressed, worried that I won't get everything done, that I won't be able to afford everything, that I'll forget something, etc... I was ordering graduation open house invites last night and I have No. Idea. how many to order?? Getting a list from my son is about impossible. He procrastinates as much as his mom.

So last night, as I was freezing cold (thank you Michigan for the snow in April) at soccer practice for almost two hours, I was getting caught up on my devotionals and reading through the Bible in a year plan. I heard this song... then I heard it again this morning. God is speaking to me.

Strangely Dim

"But when I fix my eyes on all that your are, and every doubt I feel deep in my heart, grows strangely dim. All my worries fade, and fall to the ground, cause when I seek your face, and don't look around, any place I'm in, grows strangely dim."

I've been so focused on what I need to do, that I've started to lose track of who will provide, and who will guide my plans. The good Lord, probably doesn't give a whole lot of thought to whether I should have a taco bar or sandwiches at the open house, he probably doesn't need to choose if I leave it open for 2 hours or 4, but he does care that I seek His face through out the entire month. And that I fall on my knees and dump all my worries and stress at His feet. Or that, I fall on my knees in thanksgiving and praise Him for all the blessings we have seen in these 18 years with my son. 

I've been so busy worrying about this next big step that I haven't enjoyed the blessings of it all. He has a fantastic opportunity ahead of Him. God has blessed Him. God has blessed us. The future is wide open. There are question marks and unknowns at every turn. My son is going to COLORADO. Yes, he will be out of state and will be wrestling for Western State Colorado University, and Yes, I'm beginning to miss him already. I'm making lists and lists in my head of everything he will need. Those lists turn into money worries and time worries, and then I begin to lose myself in it all. 

I've worried so much so, that I barely took the time to thank the Lord for my youngest son's baptism on Sunday. I'm letting the blessings slip away... So today, and hopefully everyday, I will fix my eyes on Him. I will pass along these worries and fears, no matter how insignificant in the overall scheme they may be. I will allow Him entry into my plans and watch "All My Worries fade"... because in God's hands, all the problems I have, do grow "Strangely Dim." 

From the First to the Last

It's been a crazy, emotional week. Today is my son's last wrestling practice of his high school career. You other mom's out there know how this feels. It's like a series of flashbacks playing over all the times they've been on the mat since they were 5.

Do you remember their very first practice? The first time they won? The first time they lost? The first time he cried because it was all over and he just wanted to keep wrestling? The first time you thought he was injured? The first time he was... His first medal. His first trophy. His first time at State. His first placing at State. The list is endless... There are so many moments and memories. 

The lessons learned growing up are many, but the lessons learned in this sport are priceless. I know my son has learned humility and pride both for himself and the team. He has learned to keep going and never quit. He has learned hard work, dedication, commitment. He has learned that the real success is all the time you put into the "getting there" not just the win itself. He has learned that we all suffer failures, have bad days, and the winners don't settle there  and accept it. He has learned that the real winners in this sport are those that fight the hardest, over come the obstacles, and put all their Glory in God. The lessons learned from this sport are those things that have made him a better man, son, friend, brother, and a better leader. 

I want to just cry every time I think "last practice"... Tomorrow is the "last" State Tournament. Eventually, in the next three days, we will face his "last" match in high school. I have a feeling this may be the hardest three days that I have had in a long time. To those who don't have kids in sports or wrestling you may not get it, but believe me - this is way worse than watching them drive for the first time, go on their first date, etc... this is watching the "end" of a great season of their life. Watching the end of something that has been infused in their person for so many years... He will leave his mark on this sport. He has broke records, set records, and will wrestle more in his future, but this sport has also left it's mark on him, on all of us. 

I only pray that he will leave it all on the mat these last three days, as the saying goes, "Go big or go home." All that matters is that he uses his talents and abilities to honor God, and to do the best in all that he does. I pray that he leaves this wrestling season knowing that he did his best, that he got up when he didn't think he could, that he went farther then some thought possible, that he didn't quit, and that he didn't give up on what his dreams were. I pray that he sees the value of both the wins and the losses. The he realizes the true successes or often not seen by others, it's those horrendous practices, the grueling diet, and the ability to overcome it all and keep working towards the goal. Other than that, it's just another wrestling match, right? Bring me the kleenex... 

Coffee and Chat

I've stuck with my plan to read thru the Bible in a year. I'm on track with my daily readings. Sounds good right? Wrong. You are probably thinking I am sounding like a horrible person. Truth is. I've "crammed" those readings in. I started the year off right, by putting that quiet time and daily reading at the beginning of my day. But lately, I realize it's 11pm and I haven't read it yet and I fall asleep reading my daily Bible reading. This is wrong.

The other day I did manage to get up early, grab a cup of coffee in my quiet house and focus on my reading. I felt so much better. I absorb it. I learn. I am moved. I am NOT falling asleep and making myself read it.

So here I am, today, 1:05pm. And I haven't read it yet. So why am I blogging instead of reading you ask? Because I had to get this off my chest. I've been trying to put so many things in line. My fitness, my finances, my faith, my family (no, not in that order) and juggling them has become a literal circus. Do I get up early and exercise or get up early and read? When is the best time to do one or the other? When do I get the laundry, dinner and family stuff done? What about work?

Life is a perpetual juggling act and I am very, very far from perfecting it all. Here it is, almost the end of February and I don't have a schedule for my day that fits. Of course the everyday surprises that pop up don't help that at all either.

So what works for YOU? How do you juggle it all. I feel the best when I start my day with a quiet cup of coffee and chat with God. I also feel great starting off with exercise, but yet I also like a lunchtime workout (which I just finished).

Let's hear it, let's pour a cup of virtual coffee and chat about what works for you? I want to know. I want to know who out there has it "all" planned out. Who out there flies by the seat of their pants, like me... If you are like me, what do you do to keep yourself centered and on track? Is it a lack of discipline, lack of focus, or just to much in general going on? I need answers!

Lessons Learned from Lack of Coffee

We all like to savor that coffee aroma, smell that fresh cup, and most of us are waiting for that first sip to ease our way into the day. Now back before I started Shakeology and was a full fledge coffee addict, today would have been a complete disaster and I would be in emergency mode... My Keurig 2.0 (see prior post on my Early Gift) quit dispensing water this afternoon. YIKES, no coffee right?

I found it amusing to realize that the panic that set in the last time my coffee pot died, versus the lack of panic when it happened today was both because I no longer NEED it and because I now have different priorities.

Before I NEEDED it. I had to have coffee just to function. I could. not. hold a morning conversation pre-coffee. I was in nod and stumble mode until that first cup was gone. Now, half the time I don't drink the cup I brew, or like today, it's just to keep me warm and because I still LOVE the aroma of it. Before I would never have used a Keurig, I went through so much coffee it would have cost me $10.00 a day for all those K-cups. Now, I use 1 maybe 2. I like it for the hot water dispensing on my green tea bags as much as for the quick coffee.

Anywhooo... back to the story. It died. I called the 800 Help Me Keurig number. They were fabulous! Talk about customer service! She walked me through a couple troubleshooting steps, I basically did surgery on the thing. We tried a couple more times with a little bit more result (my 10 oz of water took over 5 minutes and 4 oz took 3... yikes), but I was able to get enough out for this afternoons cup to keep me warm while I finish up work, yes and blog.  But, after a few minutes of unsuccessfully getting water to do more than drizzle out, she said they will get a new one in the mail to me today! Badabing! That was easy.

I love it when companies step up and do the right thing, even if it's just a coffee pot right? Makes me realize that in life, things could be so much easier if we just step up and do the right thing. We screwed up? Call it out. Step forward accept the blame and make amends if needed and move on. It's so much better than harboring ill feelings, trashing people unnecessarily, and causing that mole hill to become a mountain. I've done this. I'm sure you've done this. There are times that rather than facing the music we think it's better to place blame, hold a grudge, hide away to try and escape, etc... We all want to face our fears right? Whether our fear is not having a cup of coffee in the morning or taking blame and asking for forgiveness for something we've done.

The best way to fix something is tackling it head on. I've learned this the hard way. I'm a procrastinator by nature. In every area. You name it I'll get it done... at The. Last. Minute. This drives my poor husband bonkers. I've had other appliances that I knew were on their last leg, or had died, and I just put it off and put it off because I was too busy. Then when I did call (this is a TRUE story), I was 15 days past my warranty date! Talk about a screw up.

There are so many examples in life, little things like my call to Keurig, that could apply to much bigger issues. My OneWord for the year was Brave. Doing one thing each day that "scares" me, or causes me discomfort. It may sound silly, but this is just another baby step for me in the right direction.

So thank you Keurig. Both for immediately replacing my brewer and for the lesson learned.

A New Day

Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I hit snooze. Sometimes I know I need to do something and I ignore it for As. Long. As. Possible. Sometimes my dishes sit in the sink for TWO days. Sometimes my laundry is a mountain that seems impossible to climb. And, sometimes, just sometimes, my daily grind begins to grind on me. 

These are days like today. Today I did NOT want to get up. My alarm was set for 4:30am, I had an early morning workout planned. I had conferences at 7:15am, I had to work, then another meeting at noon, then more work then a wrestling meet. I cannot get it all done. I managed to wash my blender and a few dishes. One load of laundry. Ironed the hubby's clothes for the wrestling meet. Made it to conferences almost on time, with my hair done, makeup on and REAL clothes - not workout clothes. On the way home, the days To-Do List was running through my mind. There was this never-ending list ahead of me. I was letting the grind grind me down. Walking up the walk to my door I saw this view... 

If I had slept in, I would have missed the sunrise, the sparkle of ice and frost on all the trees, the crunch of the snow under my feet. The cold, so cold it freezes in your nose, brisk air on my face. And the peace that comes early in the morning when it's just you and a glimpse of God's creation. This picture doesn't even do it justice. It was so gorgeous that I just stopped as I was mid-thought on item number 29 of today's list. I stopped and balanced my coffee and snapped a pic, thinking I'm lucky I even looked up to see this. I was so lost in my own world that I wasn't looking around. I wasn't looking for the glimpse of beauty that was right there in front of me. And if nothing else, I had a moment of peace in my busy day. A moment of thankfulness for the world I live in, the home I love, and the beauty that is around me. 

If we don't look beyond our own lives and to-do lists, we cannot be there for others. If we are obsessed with our own failures, how are we going to be a light to others? Life is meant to be lived. No just to be alive, not just breathing and doing, but truly lived. Enjoy all the little moments. Treasure all the little joys. Bless those around you. Be the glorious masterpiece God intended you to be. Instead of dwelling on what you have to do, dwell instead on what's been given to you. Some wise person once said, "Count your blessings." Today my blessings completely outnumber my to-do lists and my burdens. 

Letting Go...

As a mom of a senior, who is still undecided on which college, and plans on wrestling at college... It goes through my mind every morning, and I know it is not in my hands. I pray every day that in all the decisions that J makes that he will look to the Lord for guidance first. I remember being that age, making those decisions, and I failed - a lot - at seeking God's will. I wanted what was close, what was convenient for me. Not necessarily where I felt called to be.

I pray that J doesn't make those mistakes - not that I would change a lot - I have been blessed beyond measure even having failed Him, but following His plan may have made the road a little less bumpy along the way.

So today, I open my phone on my lunch to do my Daily Bible reading (reading through the Bible in a year - haven't missed a day yet), and this verse pops up.. 

Phil. 4:6 - 7"Do no be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Thank you Lord. Thank you for the reminder I needed. It is not up to me. It is out of my hands. I have NO control. And I surrender J's future to you. He has a good mind, a strong faith and an incredible work ethic. I'm blessed to know that wherever he goes, they will be lucky to have him. He is yours God. To use, to mold and to be a light for others for you. 

This senior year stuff is rough. Last home wrestling conference meet last night, I wanted to cry but held it together. Now, I'm a mess. In the quiet of my house, when everyone is gone, when it's just God and I. I am a mess. My baby is grown up and he's not mine, he never really was. He is a child of God, and I'm so glad; but my heart cries just a little as I see him walking out that door in a few months. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you for the 18 years of blessing's J has given to our family. Take care of my baby Lord when he ventures "out into the world" after graduation. I give all my worries and fears to you. It's hard, we as parents want control, we want what's "best." But, I give it all to you today Lord. I will let him go. I will let him spread those wings and watch as he follows a path set for him. 

Now, I can't even imagine your pain, Lord, when your only Son left to die on the cross. My heart breaks thinking of college, how small in the overall scheme of things... 

When God Smacks You

Don't you hate it when you read a book and it smacks you in the face? Or, rather, that God sends this book to you and when you just start to think, 'oh this is pretty good', then BAM, a line direct out of the book is delivered directly to your heart? Yeah. That happened. I once had someone refer to those moments as a "Godbrick," when God smashes you with a brick because you just aren't seeing his more subtle clues.

I'm reading Interrupted, by Jen Hatmaker, based on a recommendation from a great friend, Denise. She obviously wasn't aware that this book would be brutal to me, or maybe she did... But either way, it's good. Very good. In fact, I've highlighted, dog-eared and highlighted some more all through out this book. I should have been clued in when the cover says, "When Jesus WRECKS Your Comfortable Christianity." Anyway, thank you Denise, you've wrecked me, or should I say blessed me.

This section right here blew me away. After days of praying and contemplating tithing, giving, how much to give, who to give to, can I afford to give, can I afford to REALLY give, will giving and tithing make a difference, where will my money go, yes I've pondered all these and more... Then, I read this: 

"We do not get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated. We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment. We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood. We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed. We can't project our advantaged perspective onto struggling people and expect results available only to the privileged. Must we be wise? Absolutely. But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission. Turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of "unworthiness" is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission. How dare we? Most of us know nothing, nothing, of the struggles of the poor." (pg 62-63)

God doesn't always tell us WHO to give to, he tells us to give. He doesn't specify only love this person, he tells us to love everyone. I have more reading to do, but know I am re-thinking my entire thought process on this. I know many non-Christ followers who live by this, they give freely of their time and money, just because they are purely GOOD people. A very strong atheist I know, stops and talks to homeless people everyday, because they are human too and deserve our time and understanding. Then, there are professed "christ-followers"who would NEVER stoop to do something like that because they would say that person needs to get  a job. There is such a wide spectrum here. I've given money to the homeless person standing on the street corner; yet, I've also ignored them. When we can't give money to everyone, what do we have to give? God's Love. 

My goals this year included, "Being a Light" to others. This can be done through sharing, caring, giving and many other ways. But turning a blind eye, will not help me be a light. It only shadows the light I have. 

"When Jesus' followers asked what to do about the weeds in the harvest field, He said to treat them the same as the wheat, "because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them" (Matthew 13:29). (pg. 63)

I don't have the answers to who, how, how much, when, etc... to give of my time, my money. But I have a much clearer direction, and wide open eyes now that I've been smacked in the face by God. We make it too complicated. Giving should come from our heart, it should be joyous and something that pours from us. I'm working on this. When the thought crosses my mind, "you should pay for that", "you should give this," etc... Instead of doubting myself or worrying who's watching, what they will think about it, or if I "CAN", I need to just follow the leading in my heart and "DO". I can do it. I can do anything he calls me to do. Now, it's just listening to that call in your heart, finding that passion, and seeing in what direction you are led to serve. 

ps. get this book!