All My Worries...

Life has been so crazy these last few weeks. Graduation is crashing down around me, one month from today! I've become stressed, worried that I won't get everything done, that I won't be able to afford everything, that I'll forget something, etc... I was ordering graduation open house invites last night and I have No. Idea. how many to order?? Getting a list from my son is about impossible. He procrastinates as much as his mom.

So last night, as I was freezing cold (thank you Michigan for the snow in April) at soccer practice for almost two hours, I was getting caught up on my devotionals and reading through the Bible in a year plan. I heard this song... then I heard it again this morning. God is speaking to me.

Strangely Dim

"But when I fix my eyes on all that your are, and every doubt I feel deep in my heart, grows strangely dim. All my worries fade, and fall to the ground, cause when I seek your face, and don't look around, any place I'm in, grows strangely dim."

I've been so focused on what I need to do, that I've started to lose track of who will provide, and who will guide my plans. The good Lord, probably doesn't give a whole lot of thought to whether I should have a taco bar or sandwiches at the open house, he probably doesn't need to choose if I leave it open for 2 hours or 4, but he does care that I seek His face through out the entire month. And that I fall on my knees and dump all my worries and stress at His feet. Or that, I fall on my knees in thanksgiving and praise Him for all the blessings we have seen in these 18 years with my son. 

I've been so busy worrying about this next big step that I haven't enjoyed the blessings of it all. He has a fantastic opportunity ahead of Him. God has blessed Him. God has blessed us. The future is wide open. There are question marks and unknowns at every turn. My son is going to COLORADO. Yes, he will be out of state and will be wrestling for Western State Colorado University, and Yes, I'm beginning to miss him already. I'm making lists and lists in my head of everything he will need. Those lists turn into money worries and time worries, and then I begin to lose myself in it all. 

I've worried so much so, that I barely took the time to thank the Lord for my youngest son's baptism on Sunday. I'm letting the blessings slip away... So today, and hopefully everyday, I will fix my eyes on Him. I will pass along these worries and fears, no matter how insignificant in the overall scheme they may be. I will allow Him entry into my plans and watch "All My Worries fade"... because in God's hands, all the problems I have, do grow "Strangely Dim." 

Where My Focus Is

How many years has it taken for me to realize what my son already knows at the age of 18?  I guess twice as long, as I'm almost 40 and just fully accepting the truth that I've been told for years. I try over and over again to handle life on my own, only to become burdened, stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated. Bills pile up, to-do lists don't get done, arguments and tempers flare, and I realize I'm trying to do things my way with no ones help. I hate to ask for help, I would like to think I am strong enough, smart enough to do whatever it is On. My. Own. 

But the truth is I'm not. I'm not smart enough. I'm not strong enough. I don't have the emotional strength to carry everything on my own shoulders. That's why God tells us to "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7. I repeat this over and over to myself when I finally feel myself falling into the downward spiral that relying on myself leads to. And when I suddenly give it all to Him. When, I take that deep breath with tears in my eyes, I realize that it feels So. Much. Better. His arms lift all the worries, the fear, the burdens, the sadness off my shoulders and he carries them away. Far. Far. Away. 

Someday I feel that I will have this down. That I will always seek Him first when is start to feel those feelings. When I start to feel stressed because once again I've put my name on too many lists, that I will turn to Him and ask for the the strength I need to say "No." Keeping God at my center, not my to-do list. Keeping Him first on my "to-do" list daily. Daily prayers and devotions. My downfall is all the other areas of my life that turn my attention from God and my focus starts to stare at something else... where our focus is, is where we spend our time, our resources...  that becomes our "center". I want my center to remain in Him.

"Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." Matt 4:4

My focus seems to have always been (of recent) my "to-do list". Always having another thing to do, coaching, board duties, volunteer duties, work, mom, wife, friend, etc... I was always "finding" something to do as my husband put it. I denied this at first. It's not like I was out finding "bad" stuff to do. I was just "doing" the everyday stuff, right? A good friend of mine got me a bag that said, "stop me from volunteering again." I guess everyone saw it but me. And saying "NO" is not, has never been, easy for me. I'm a giver, a pleaser, a servant... the list goes on. I don't mind. But my stress level does. When I get home at night and haven't had time to do dishes, laundry, pay bills, clean the cat litter, much less sit and relax, then it becomes an issue. I've done so much for so many, but the basics get neglected. I feel bad taking an hour to go get my hair trimmed or just sitting on the couch with a good book. I shouldn't. I should be allowed to relax without thinking about the million and one things that HAVE NOT been done yet.

So today, and hopefully everyday, I'm turning to Him first. Seeking his guidance for the wisdom to make my choices count for Him. I'm seeking His will in all the little things. It may seem silly to some, but when all the little things begin to control and overtake, is that satan filling us up with whatever he can to distract us from our true path? I will seek Him daily. His will. His plan. His direction for my life, even over paying my bills and volunteering in my free time. Because it's not about me. It's about Him and being the Best. Me. that I can possibly be so that His light and His love will forever shine through me.