Is My Workout God's Calling?

I'll be 42 next month, and let's just say that taking a year (or more) off of working out and eating healthy doesn't look the same at 42 as it did at 29...

I've been "athletic" my entire life. It's in my genes. And yes, I am blessed. However, starting fresh this morning was rough. I think I could feel the shakiness of my lungs after 10 minutes. It was not pleasant. I'm already feeling the soreness after the workout. I'm sure I won't be walking normal tomorrow. But I had to start somewhere. When I say I "had" to, it's not because of the physical reasons - gained weight, fatigue, that soft tire of flab developing in my mid section, arms, thighs, etc... Those are definite reasons, but not my reason.

This time around I don't have physical goals. I'm not training for a 1/2 marathon (or even a 5k). I'm not stepping on the scale and measuring inches. (As a side note, other than for the wrestlers in my family, I do not believe in the scale. Ever.) I'm not running challenge groups (Dear Beachbody) or doing it to try and make sales. My only inspiration this time around is for how I want "Me" to reflect on others.

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst? 

If anyone destroys God's temple, god will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, 

and you together are that temple." ~1 Cor. 3:16-17

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit,

who is in you, whom you have received from God?

You are not your own." ~1 Cor 6:19

I spent all of 2016 in a "funk" to say the least. No motivation. No inspiration. Too busy for anything and most everything. I started drinking Diet Coke again, started eating fast food and junk again. Quit working out. Quit doing devotions. Watched too much TV. Quit reading. Yep... in 2016 I let my life spiral down the toilet. 

But with all my better choices and goals that I am making, fueling my body and spirit are top on my list. Balancing my time, partially by staying off facebook, twitter, snapchat, instagram, etc... (there are way too many social media sites now) and by limiting the time spent vegging on the couch, I can find all kinds of ways to fit in what 2016 was lacking. 

Finding time for devotions, reading and just being in prayer will help fill that spiritual and emotional hole. Filling this hole will allow me to go out and be that better person, just as working out my muscles and body will allow me to have the energy to do what I need to do. 

"Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, 

it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you."

Luke 11:36

I can't say that I've ever fully realized what specifically "My Purpose" on this world is. Mom, wife, friend, cheerleader and motivator, volunteer... I've had these roles, but what defines me? And maybe this is something we should continually ask ourselves anyway as our purpose likely changes everyday. Maybe some days my purpose is just to get my family to school and work. Maybe other days it's paying it forward to an unknown stranger. Maybe other times, it's being that listening ear for friends and family. But what I do know, is this: 

"it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling"

 [yes, even the dirty laundry, dishes, puke clean up, and washing of nasty 

smelly football and wrestling uniforms] 

"or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault

in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky." 

Phil 2:13-15

I know that for me to shine in my purpose, whatever that may be, that I need to seek God's voice. I don't know his plans, but I know that they are good. I just have to fill my body and my soul with what is good and pleasing. So, at 41 going on 42, starting a workout program was pure torture. But if it enriches this temple to do God's work, I'm all in. 

Who I Am

Some may call it a mid life crisis. Maybe they're right. I prefer to call it a season of growth. But however you look at it, I am 'that' mom/wife/women in her early 40's who hears that question growing in the back of my head. "Who am I?" Let me tell you who I was...

As a teenager, I was the shy, nerdy, athletic girl. I was good enough at sports with a few close friends that I rarely got picked on, but I was never the popular girl. I was always on the fringes of the "popular" crowd. They knew me, were nice to me, but hadn't truly accepted me. Which in all honesty, I was fine with. I'm an introvert by nature. Sticking to my few close friends, with my good grades and sports was all I needed. In high school I became part of a "couple." My first real boyfriend happened at the end of my sophomore year, and to this day (ahem... almost 26 years later) is still the love of my life. And then my circle of friends expanded, they now included his friends.

The college years were a lot of the same, I was still pretty much the same person I was in high school. Good grades, still athletic, and still just a few close friends, which now included those girls in my dorm room and across the hallway. I still didn't go to parties, unless I was dragged along to the be designated driver, and I still had a boyfriend at home.

Then there was marriage. Now our friends were "couples", which basically met I now had friends that included his friends' wives. It was fun, we had card nights, we all had babies and toddlers, we had vacations and cruises. Life was good. I was more "out there" then anytime before in my life. My circle had again expanded, I had new friends from the kids' friends. My life was full and busy. Two young kids, 14 months apart, a new husband, a new house... Not that there weren't problems, arguments and rough spots, there was, but I wasn't a troubled person. I was a young mom and wife, who was just trying to figure out "how" to do all that, and still work.

A few years later, I fell into a "career", the two youngest had started school, then a quick conversation about kids with my husband and we were back to being pregnant, and soon had a third child, who was about 7 years behind the other two. So the baby cycle started all over again, and again the circle expanded, and at the same time, the circle closed some as well. Have you ever heard of having friends for a season? I can exactly point out those friends in every season of my life. I don't wish them angst and I don't wish things had been different. I sometimes miss different pieces of those friends, but in all, sometimes our circle can only be so big.

Finally, the youngest made it into school. Praise God and Hallelujah! Three kids in three schools at one point when the oldest started high school. Three kids doing about 9 different sports and activities. Which led to a huge change in my circle. I became the "volunteer". It started with a team mom, that led to a board member, to running the board, to running multiple boards, then being on the school board, then coaching... and the circle became huge. Sometimes my introverted self couldn't handle it. I soon realized, that as a volunteer (which seems like a "nice" word, but let me tell you, some of my largest challenges and biggest moments that pushed me towards a mental breakdown revolve around that word) many minutes are spent dealing with angry parents, repetitive questions, and people that want everything for nothing. Now, I definitely feel that I get way more out of volunteering than problems, or I wouldn't do it, but there are times when a day at the field leaves you curled in a ball on the couch, grasping for a bottle of wine, and hoping that no one ever talks to you. Ever again. But at this point in my life, I was pushed out of my introverted bubble of smallness.

My quiet, comfortable world was expanded in epic amounts. I had to talk to people, a lot. I had to deal with issues. I had to organize and set schedules (type A I am not). I learned. I grew. I managed to become a better person, mother and friend - at least I'm hoping that's what those close to me would say. My life was super busy, but it wasn't "full". There was always something, something in the back of my mind, saying "try this, or that, or that..." I have tried hobbies galore, some of them very beneficial - like training for half-marathons (I wish I was in that type of physical shape still), but most have fallen by the wayside.

Almost two years ago, as my oldest was facing graduation and picking a school 24 hours away, that busy wasn't me. Busy kept me occupied. Kept me going, filled my days and hours on end. But the people around me, my family, they are what completed me. And now, faced with sending my son into the mountains of Colorado, I realized that who I was, was no longer. Then in a blink of an eye, 12 months later, I was signing my daughter up for a school, much closer, but still 8 hours away and three states away. Ladies, my babies have flown the nest, and yes I encouraged it (I'll save that for another day). With just the husband, one kid, two dogs and a cat left at home. My world had once again become quiet.

Now, let's get this straight, I still am a sucker for being a volunteer, and with my youngest still in school, well I have another 7 years of being prey for all these volunteer groups, but let me tell you this. One kid in sports (and he does 6 sports, two each season) is a breeze, compared to three, and that breeze is like a calm, warm wind on your face that says "it is okay to relax." While I wouldn't change a moment of my busy life with three kids, I also am very eager to accept the calm after the storm. And while life is still busy, it is much calmer than before.

I guess the question isn't really "Who Am I". I know who I am and am comfortable in all my faults and strengths. The question ahead of me at this point is "Who is the better me?" What have I not had time for all these years that would improve my life, my family's life and overall life in general? Believe me, I have a list. Not a bucket list, I have one of those too, but a "Now that you have free time you need to do" list...

* Devotions and Church attendance for spiritual health
* Working out/running for physical health
* Cutting out the brownies and caffeine (which, YES, I am currently eating and drinking those as I type) for physical health.
* Taking more classes for work and finish my Master's Degree - for my mental health.
* Take more vacations or just spend more weekends at the river property - I'm pretty sure this falls under mental health as well...
* Spend time with my family - which I think just benefits us in every way possible.
* Blog/write/journal - this can be mental and spiritual
* Get caught up on scrapbooks - help me, but this is a true nightmare...
* Organize my house, set an actual cleaning schedule - not sure what this falls under but organization is my enemy...
* Budget, budget, budget... which is for financial health and is another fault. It comes with not being organized.

Throughout every season of my life I have done all of this, not all at the same time, at least not for extended lengths of time. Something always gets cut out, not enough time... But I have decided that this season, this - adapting to what will be an empty nest season; this - becoming a better me season.. This next chapter moving forward is Do or Don't. Either I become better or I don't. Either I start making changes or I become lazy.

God gives us gifts. His grace and mercy have found me many many dark nights. God truly knows how neglected portions of my life have been. I dislike New Years Resolutions, as they are short lived and hype for the New Year. But change, change and growth, these are good things. These are things I need to instill into the wife and mother that I am. This season of Who Am I, will become the next part where I will grow, I will learn, and in the chapter after this, when life is the empty nest, I will be able to say this is Who I Am.

And eventually, at some point in my life, I will have the answers to the questions in the back of my head, and I will be able to say, when I grew up I became...

Hello, Again...

Almost every new year I reintroduce myself to the blog... This last year was one of "those" years where my New Years post was my only post. Very sad. I truly miss writing and sharing my thoughts.

So yes, let me introduce myself again.

Over the past year I have transitioned down to a household of 3. My son is still out in Colorado, and my daughter moved to college down in Tennessee. I also transitioned back into the years of the dreaded middle school days as my youngest entered 6th grade last fall.

I am no pro on mothering. On being a wife. None of it. I am constantly failing and trying to learn again, but this last year was one of the hardest. Now that I have adapted, somewhat, to the household of three this year holds promises again.

What have I learned this year? I've had to learn how to cook for just three. My oldest two ate just about anything. My youngest and husband are the picky eaters. I've had to rearrange time frames, back to school drop off every day as my two oldest aren't here to drive the youngest anymore. I've learned how precious those crazy days with three kids were, and how to spend those now free moments when I don't have kids at three different practices anymore.

What I still have to learn? A lot. I keep thinking that the longer I am a wife and mom that the more I know, but really what I learned is that the longer that I am a wife and mom, the more there is to learn.

So this year is about the learning and growing. Cheers 2017!

The Mirror

Have you looked in a mirror lately? I'm sure we all do a few times a day. Well, in case you haven't noticed, the mirrors, all of them, they lie. They show us wrinkles and spotty skin. Dimples in our legs where toned muscle used to be. A little extra roll on our tummy where that six pack used to be. The mirror shows us our flaws, because that is what we've been taught to see when we look in the mirror. The scales, they lie too. I would throw that thing in the trash. Now. But the mirror, is a reflection of what we are on the outside, but that is not the reflection of our true self. The reflection shows you how tired you are for staying up at night with a sick kid, or getting up early with your husband before he leaves for work. The reflection shows you the lines that grow deeper every time your teenager is out late on winter roads. The reflection that the mirror shows me every morning is a 40 year old, tired mom, who needs more sleep, more coffee and less food. But the mirror lies...

The mirror doesn't show us our value. It doesn't show us the people that we made smile yesterday. It doesn't show us the child that looks at us and thinks we are perfect no matter what. It doesn't show us the grateful husband who appreciates the time we take for him. The mirror doesn't show us the love we feel when our child walks safely in the door. The mirror doesn't show you the string of friendships that value your true self. The mirror doesn't show us the sacrifices we made to earn those wrinkles. The mirror doesn't go past those surface imperfections, but are they really imperfections? I have decided to embrace these lies, these flaws and imperfections. I have decided as a 40 year old mom of three, who works, raises a family, coaches, volunteers, tries to clean house, cook meals and have a social life all at the same time, that I will embrace what the mirror shows me as my flaws. I will savor that last piece of dark chocolate and know that there may be a dimple on my rear end in the morning from it, because I don't want perfection. I want balance.

I want to enjoy my life, not live it trying to maintain everything in perfect order. All that does is stress me out! I want to be healthy enough to live long enough to see grand kids some day (not any day soon...), to travel, to build a tiny vacation home with my dear hubby, to see retirement. I don't need to be 135 lbs and in perfect "shape" or have all my hair in place and makeup on to do any of that. I spent a year trying to be in the best shape of my life, eating clean and all it got me was burnt out. I neglected the other parts of my life. I've decided that I'm okay with only working out 3-4 times a week instead of 5-7 times. I'm okay with a little dark chocolate once in awhile. I'm okay using my lunch break to write, to spend time with friends, or to clean my house, rather than making myself get that extra workout in.

There is no perfect woman in this world. Those that you think are perfect have a whole world of skeletons in their closets. We are not perfect. But the goal is not perfection. The goal is happiness and health, and my happiness doesn't come from being 135 lbs, it comes from taking the time to savor all the little bits of sunshine each and every day. From accepting that it is a fact that I'm getting old, that it is a fact that I may never wear a size 4 jeans again, that it is a fact that I do have wrinkles and dimples (not the ones when I smile)... These traits make each and everyone of us beautiful.

So tonight, when you are brushing your teeth and looking in the mirror. Look past the mirror. Know that YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. That your soul has touched someones; your kindness has helped someone;  your wisdom has taught someone, and your laughter and smile have brightened another's day. Know that beyond the flaws and imperfections that we are all fighting the same fight. We are all seeking happiness and good health. Accept that there will be mistakes and oopsies and binge diet coke drinking (super size is the death of me), but that in the end, if we accept these and don't torture ourselves for these flaws, there will be balance, true beauty and happiness.

Tell another woman today how beautiful she is!

First Day of School Prayer

So today was the first day of Jessi's last year of high school, and Robby's first day of his last year of elementary school. Meanwhile, Jason is starting week three of college classes out in Colorado. Listen carefully friends, it is NO joke when I say, TIME MOVES TO FAST! I feel like I blinked and lost 5 years. 

I saw this prayer today and had to share it, and blog it so I could save it. It captures everything. 

El Shaddai,
Walk with them. Reveal Yourself—in ways old and new. Please be near.
Fuel their passions. Strengthen their resolve. Fill their hearts with peace and love.
When loneliness comes, be their Friend.
When fear overwhelms, be their Rock.
When the path seems hidden, be their Light.
When they are broken, heal their hurts.
When they doubt their calling, be their ever Burning Bush.
When they doubt You, show up big.

May they fall in love with learning.
May they discover new gifts.
May they steward well their money, their talents, their time.
May they discern Your truth and cling to it. Tight.

I pray for a church home where they can find community and be fed.
I pray for a mentor who will challenge them and cheer them on.
I pray for some life-long, life-giving friends.

Build into their being tenacity and resilience,
Patience and compassion,
Boldness and gentleness,
And a deep dependence on You.

When they trip and fall, or when they run headlong in the wrong way, be their Father. Pursue them relentlessly. Pierce their soul. Lift them up. Dust them off. And bring them back.

You are God

So, while I know this year will again fly by with a lot of new challenges for Jason, a lot of last times for Jessi and a world of growth for Robby, I pray that in all that this year brings, that my children will continue to grow in faith. 

Here's to another school year! 

Late Night Call

No parent ever wants "that" call. That call that starts, "Mrs. Slaughter? ... This is officer so-n-so, calling for your daughter Jesslyn... She was in an accident..." You can't prepare your heart quick enough to not stop beating, or to tell your stomach not to fall out. All you can do is pray.

We were blessed. She was truly being watched over last night. I pray every day for my kids, their decisions, their safety, etc... I feel that God truly had his hand around her last night. She had reached for her Gatorade, and hit the rumble strip on the fog line and jerked the wheel to the left and over corrected, crossed oncoming traffic and flipped her car upside down. What didn't happen... She didn't hit oncoming traffic. She didn't go off the road into the group of trees on the other side of the driveway. She wasn't injured. At. All. She said her legs were "hard to pull out" of the car, but they weren't pinned. She squeezed out the passenger side window, the rest of the glass in the vehicle was blown out, but she crawled through the glass covered ground and had a tiny tiny scratch on her pinky knuckle. 

I've handled many many auto claims. Many with the exact same scenario, that have ended much worse. I've seen first hand the results of what that overturned vehicle can do. But last night, we were the ones blessed by God's grace and protection. I didn't get the even scarier phone call that they had taken her to the hospital. 

As I went to bed last night, I couldn't even begin to worry about the ticket, the car, the insurance. All I could do was thank God, over and over and over, for keeping my baby girl safe and watching over her. Somehow, someway, he will help us replace the vehicle. But replacing my baby girl is impossible. 

Lord, Thank You. 

All My Worries...

Life has been so crazy these last few weeks. Graduation is crashing down around me, one month from today! I've become stressed, worried that I won't get everything done, that I won't be able to afford everything, that I'll forget something, etc... I was ordering graduation open house invites last night and I have No. Idea. how many to order?? Getting a list from my son is about impossible. He procrastinates as much as his mom.

So last night, as I was freezing cold (thank you Michigan for the snow in April) at soccer practice for almost two hours, I was getting caught up on my devotionals and reading through the Bible in a year plan. I heard this song... then I heard it again this morning. God is speaking to me.

Strangely Dim

"But when I fix my eyes on all that your are, and every doubt I feel deep in my heart, grows strangely dim. All my worries fade, and fall to the ground, cause when I seek your face, and don't look around, any place I'm in, grows strangely dim."

I've been so focused on what I need to do, that I've started to lose track of who will provide, and who will guide my plans. The good Lord, probably doesn't give a whole lot of thought to whether I should have a taco bar or sandwiches at the open house, he probably doesn't need to choose if I leave it open for 2 hours or 4, but he does care that I seek His face through out the entire month. And that I fall on my knees and dump all my worries and stress at His feet. Or that, I fall on my knees in thanksgiving and praise Him for all the blessings we have seen in these 18 years with my son. 

I've been so busy worrying about this next big step that I haven't enjoyed the blessings of it all. He has a fantastic opportunity ahead of Him. God has blessed Him. God has blessed us. The future is wide open. There are question marks and unknowns at every turn. My son is going to COLORADO. Yes, he will be out of state and will be wrestling for Western State Colorado University, and Yes, I'm beginning to miss him already. I'm making lists and lists in my head of everything he will need. Those lists turn into money worries and time worries, and then I begin to lose myself in it all. 

I've worried so much so, that I barely took the time to thank the Lord for my youngest son's baptism on Sunday. I'm letting the blessings slip away... So today, and hopefully everyday, I will fix my eyes on Him. I will pass along these worries and fears, no matter how insignificant in the overall scheme they may be. I will allow Him entry into my plans and watch "All My Worries fade"... because in God's hands, all the problems I have, do grow "Strangely Dim."